How And Why You Can't Find Love

By Yangki Christine Akiteng, Love Doctor

So many men and women today are looking for love but find that no matter what they do and no matter who they meet, it just isn't happening to them.

While you many be on the constant search for the right mate or even trying to learn the "how to do this" and "how to do that" you might be surprised to find out that it's not just "lack of places to meet men/women" or "lack of information" or "lack of skill" that is the problem, the root of your love problems may be in the patterns you learned during early formative years.

1. Growing up, you were never made to feel like you were loved or wanted or special

As an adult you still don't feel good about yourself or believe that you are lovable or worth of other people's time and effort. You have difficulty expressing what you want or how you truly feel and don't know how to accept love when it's given. And even if what you so much want is to be nurtured, cared for, and loved you send signals to others that you are not important enough to be loved or respected. Most times people treat you like you don't exist and don't matter.

2. You were neglected or abandoned in some way through divorce or adoption or just left alone most of the time because the parents were kept busy working or paid more attention to other siblings

As an adult you are always anxious, worried, and fearful that you will be abandoned or ignored. Most of the time you either open up too soon or you open up to people who don't intend to stay. You are constantly clinging to people who are unstable or emotionally unavailable or who want to get away. You may even be an excellent flirt and easily draw people to you by coming off as if your life is absolutely perfect but soon the fascination wears off, and tension grows because you want to be constantly reassured that you are safe and wanted. This drives people away pretty fast.

3. You grew up with parents who were so needy and depended so much on you but inside you felt invisible and pushed into the background

As an adult you feel a compelling need to control how people feel and respond by doing more than your share all of the time, but become hurt when people don't recognize your efforts. You also become confused when the other person complains about feeling controlled and smothered because as far as you are concerned all you are doing is wonderful things that should make him or her feel very warm and fuzzy inside. The other person feels like the "worshipful" position is a trap because there are so many expectations to live up to. He or she distances and eventually wants out.

4. You were raised by parents who were cold and emotionally distant

As an adult you feel very lonely, isolated and dissociated most of the time. Trust is a basic issue and intimacy feels alien and scary. You find that you always keep people too far away, and never allow yourself to get too close or feel vulnerable. You want so much to be able to drop your guard and allow intimacy into your life but are afraid to seek intimacy. You may from time to time permit other people to be attracted to you but without letting them get too close. And even when you find yourself in intimate situations you feel uncomfortable, awkward and threatened, so you push others away. Soon people get tired of the emotional and sometimes physical distance and leave.

5. You were raised by overly lenient, overprotective and permissive parents who spoiled you

As an adult you have are more interested in yourself than in others. And because you are accustomed to having things done for you, you have unrealistic expectations, are demanding, inconsiderate and can become manipulative. You want what you want and want it now, and when you don't get your way you become defiant, curse, back talk, scream insults and go into uncontrolled outbursts. People end up running away because they feel that they did not signed up to baby-sit a spoiled child.

6. You grew up feeling controlled, pushed too hard to succeed and never allowed to make your own decisions

As an adult you are too serious, task oriented, short on conversation and unresponsive. Because you never learned to have fun and play for play's sake, you do not know how to lighten up, let go and accept flexibility in your life. You may also be a perfectionist who feels burned out and stressed out most of the time. The people you date or have a relationship feel that you are rigid or demanding and not much fun to be around. They leave you for someone -- not up to your level - but who is more interesting and more fun to be around.

So if you seriously want to attract love but despite your best conscious intentions nothing seems to work, you might want to seriously step back and look at the powerful influence of the imprints left in you by how you were raised. And even if you grew up in a loving family you might have skipped the childhood task of learning how to feel the growth of self-love in your heart, and present your wise and loving self to others.