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Southerners Expression

http://www.examiner.com/article/southern-isms-50-of-the-funniest-southern-expressions-and-colloquialisms

Southerners have a way of expressing ourselves that often mystifies those 'not from 'round here'.

1. He's so dumb he couldn't pour piss out of a boot with the instructions written on the heel.
2. She could start an argument in an empty house.
3. He's about as useless as a screen door on a submarine.
4. His elevator don't go all the way to the top. He's one fry short of a Happy Meal. Or, as my grandma used to say, “He don't got all what belongs to him.” All taken to mean, “He/She is crazy.”
5. She's so tall if she fell down she'd be halfway home.
6. It's hotter than a billy goat's ass in a pepper patch.
7. I feel like i've been rode hard and hung up dry. (When one feels exhausted or otherwise worn down.)
8. That makes about as much sense as tits on a bull. (Note: 'Bull' can be substituted for almost anything, including inanimate objects. 'Tits on a bicycle', etc.)
9. She was busier than a cat buryin' sh-- on a marble floor.
10. I bought it for a song and you can sing it yourself. (Used to describe something that is/was extremely cheap.)
11. She has her nose so high in the air she could drown in a rainstorm. (For people who are very conceited.)
12. He's as windy as a sack full of farts. (Used for someone who is a blowhard/known liar.)
13. He could fall into a barrel of sh-- and come out smelling like roses. Me on the other hand, I could fall into a barrel of ti--ies and come out suckin' my thumb. (Used to describe someone's good or bad luck.)
14. I'm sweatin' like a whore in church. (Variation: I'm sweatin' like a sinner in church.)
15. He's so bad he whups his own ass twice a week.
16. He's so useless if he had a third hand he'd need an extra pocket to stick it in.
17. She's so clumsy she could trip over a cordless phone.
18. He doesn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. (Used for someone who is dirt poor.)
19. It's colder than a witch's tit. (Variation: 'It's colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra'.)
20. He's so full of sh-- his eyes are brown.
21. He's slicker than pig snot on a radiator. (Variation: 'slicker than snot on a glass door knob.')
22. She's as dumb as a bag of hammers/rocks.
23. He don't know his ass from a hole in the ground.
24. If I tell you a duck can pull a truck, then shut up and hook the sucker up. (Used when you're sure you know what you're talking about, even if someone else believes to the contrary.)
25. Wadn't nothin' between him and the Lord but a smile. (Describes when someone is absolutely stark, buck nekkid.)
26. He ain't got the good sense God gave a goose.
27. He's so rich he buys a new boat when he gets the other one wet.
28. She was madder than a wet hen. (Ever got a hen wet before? Well, you're sitting here reading this so no, of course you haven't.)
29. I'm shakin' like a hounddog trying to sh-- a peach pit.
30. She was so buck-toothed she could eat corn through a picket fence.
31. He's about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
32. He didn't know whether to sh-- or go blind so he winked his right eye and farted. (Used for someone who is easily confused, or otherwise dim-witted.)
33. She was busy as a cat on a hot tin roof. (Yes, this is where Tennessee Williams got the name from.)
34. That stinks so bad it could knock a buzzard off a gut wagon.
35. Quit goin' around your ass to get to your elbow. (Meaning to take the long way or do things the hard way.)
36. Put wishes in one hand and sh-- in the other and see which one fills up first.
37. She ain't worth the salt in her bread. (Another gem from dear ol' grandma.)
38. It's cold as a well digger's ass in January.
39. He doesn't know whether to check his ass or scratch his watch.
40. I'm so hungry my belly thinks my throat's been cut.
41. I gotta piss so bad my eyeballs are floatin'.
42. He's about as useless as a bent d--- dog.
43. It's hotter than two rabbits screwin' in a wool sack.
44. He's drunk as Cooter Brown. (Cooter Brown, whomever he was, was famous for being a notorious drunk. So famous in fact that yes, he does indeed have his own Wikipedia entry.)
45. He couldn't find his own ass with both hands stuck in his back pockets.
46. I'm busier than a 2-dollar whore on nickel night.
47. He's crazier than a sh--house rat. (If you ever have the misfortune of meeting a rat who lives in an outhouse, you'll immediately understand this one.)
48. She's hot as a 2 dollar pistol. (Yes, clearly this is a very old one. Adjusted for inflation, nowadays it'd probably be more like, 'Hotter than a $20 pistol.')
49. It happened faster than a knife fight in a phone booth.
50. She was busier than a one-armed monkey with two peckers.